Where She Was Planted

This is something that has been dancing around in my brain for quite a while, and the time seems ripe to get it all out. It’s been a long time since I have written anything for anyone else to read, so if this is a little bit rusty, I apologize.

Gonna spill that tea

Yesterday I was on Twitter, and I came across a beautiful article that was written by Matthew Gong, the son of LDS apostle Gerrit W. Gong. Matthew Gong is an openly gay man, and his words reflected the complexity of being caught between two identities. This is something that I know a lot about.

Six years ago (almost exactly) I was sitting on a couch with my best friend, and I looked at her and I knew that I loved her. Loved her – full on, butterflies in the stomach, heart pounding out of my chest love. Suddenly a whole bunch of things in my life fell into place – feelings that I had never given attention to, things that I had tried to hide for years, all came bubbling to the surface all at once. It was like I was truly seeing myself for the first time. I was overwhelmed, and I turned to her and said, “Hey… I think I’m bi.”

“Oh honey, I know.”

From that minute it was like there were two of me: Mormon Kari, and proud LGBTQ+ community member Kari. Never out of the closet, but never really in it either. I was in constant flux between two worlds that felt like they couldn’t coexist. No matter what I did if felt like no one would want both parts of me. I was constantly carving off parts of myself to fit into boxes where I didn’t belong, always leaving something behind and never feeling like a whole person. I felt lost and broken, and I felt like God was drifting farther and farther away from me. I felt like no one could love this incomplete person, even Him.

I know that I did not love myself.

Last winter I fell into a deep depression. Something inside of me snapped, and it threw my entire world from its axis. I had to take an entire month off work while they adjusted my medication and gently coaxed me back into the land of the living. My brain felt like broken glass. I barely remember anything from Thanksgiving to Christmas of 2018. I was just existing.

When I started to come back into myself, I knew that I needed to start living my life authentically or it would literally kill me. I started to spend more time reflecting. I reached out to other members of the LDS Queer community and leaned on them and learned from them (you know who you are, and I will love you forever for this). This summer I came out to my parents. It was terrifying and hard, but I knew in my heart that it was something I needed to do. I quietly stopped hiding things about myself on the internet. And now I’m coming out (officially) to all of you.

People have told me that this is going to make my life harder, and that people will see me differently. I feel like I knew that from the beginning, but I’m not scared of it anymore. I want people to look at me differently, because in all probability I am a little different from whatever version of me they were seeing. I want people to know me for everything I am, because I like myself better this way, and I really hope they do too.

Right now, I am still focusing on restoring things that I lost. I am re-learning how to talk to God. I have poured my heart out to him and felt confirmation of his love for me – ALL of me. I have realized that there are not two sides to me, but a very complex whole that is worthy of love and of loving. I am taking baby steps and trying to learn to be gentle with myself. I am trying to unlearn toxic coping mechanisms that held me prisoner within my own self-hatred for years. Not every day is a good day, but it’s always getting better.

I am a child of a God who loves me. I am bisexual. These are two things that I know and that I can’t deny. I am growing in the complex soil in which I have been planted, and I am finally thriving. I hope that when you read this you feel like you know me, and I hope you know that I love all of you. Thank you all for your love and your support. Thank you for lifting me up, even when you did not truly know the weight that was crushing me. I have been blessed so greatly, and I honestly cannot express enough gratitude.

To anyone who feels like they are hiding – I see you. I love you. There are other people out there who will love you, too. There are people with whom you will feel safe. It’s never going to be an easy road to travel, but there are people who will hold your hand when you feel like you can’t take another step. Be kind to yourself. God loves you. He made you. He knows your entire heart. Do not be afraid.

Thank you for reading.

Keep thou my feet

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

~~~

Life gets really hard to deal with sometimes.

Lately I have felt like I have been walking through a very dark night of my soul. One where I feel like I have lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. One where I hate who I have become, and one where I long to be better but can never seem to overcome myself. I have just been feeling very lost and tired and sad.

This week, and today especially, have been very difficult. I reached out tonight for some positive words on Facebook, and my friends responded with so much love that I am completely overwhelmed by how lucky I am to know such lovely and wonderful people.

One friend sent me something he wrote that featured a scripture from Proverbs (3:5-6):

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Which immediately brought the hymn "Lead, Kindly Light" to my mind. Particularly the last lines of the first verse. 

"Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me."

I have forgotten how to be led by faith. I have been depending too much on the things that I can see, and I have not been putting enough trust in God's plan for me. I want to be better, and I want to let him lead me now. I'm so tired of trying to understand everything. I just want to be happy and have faith and trust that everything will be okay.

I'm feeling very humbled tonight. I'm starting to feel like this might be a trial that I need, even though I'm not sure where it's going to lead me.

I'm ready to walk into the dark.

Lizzie Lanore

My grandmother turned 90 this last Wednesday, and today we had a big party to help her celebrate!

Guys, my grandma Lizzie is one of the most wonderful, adorable people I have ever known. She was the kind of grandma who would let you build a blanket fort in her living room (using all of her kitchen chairs), and not even mind when you crawled into bed with her later because you were too chicken to actually sleep in it. She always sent a card in the mail on your birthday, even when you lived close enough for her to just bring it to you, because she knew how special it was to get real mail when you were a kid. She taught us how to crochet and bake cookies, and she would yodel on request (if you asked nicely). She used to grow mint under her back porch, and she showed us how refreshing it could be to pluck one of the leaves and put it on your tongue.

I could go on forever.

Today was her day. Today we got to celebrate the amazing life she has led, and we got to hear from so many people who she has touched with her love, her laughter, and her southern sass.

She is incredible, and I adore her. I am so lucky that I get to have her as my grandma for eternity.

What more can I do?

Do you ever get the feeling that somebody just hates you, and you're not sure what you did to inspire such bad feelings?

Melancholy, Constance Marie Charpentier (1801)

I was told something that somebody said about me today, and it was so hateful that it knocked the wind right out of me. I felt like all of the strength I had left me, and I had to sit down just to be able to continue to function.

What can I have done to make someone think so badly of me? What can I do to change? I often feel as though I am not a very good person, and this just feels like proof of that. I do not do enough to be helpful. I am not happy enough. I am constantly making mistakes. But I am trying so, so hard to overcome these things. I just want to make everyone happy.

How am I supposed to fix things? I don't know what to do.

Chester Bennington

Chester Bennington committed suicide today.

I am finding this hard to come to terms with.

When I was a teenager experiencing the full weight of my depression and anxiety for the first time I found a lot of solace in the music of Linkin Park. I was so lost in myself... so full of rage and fear and just all-encompassing sadness. I needed to scream. I needed outlets. I found this release in music. I found lyrics that mirrored what I was feeling, words I could use when I couldn't find any of my own. It was like having a friend who understood what I was feeling, even when I didn't know myself.

It might sound really stupid, but this sense of shared sadness saved my life. It was catharsis. It was a life preserver.

I am so incredibly sorry that he never found a way to face his own demons.  I am sorry that he lost his battles. I am sorry that he left this world without knowing how much of an impact he had.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Your life is so worth saving.

Auuugh

I'm really tired and in pain and I just don't have it in me today. But I figured I should still post something. Because I want to be perfect and I have already missed so many days.

This is making me kind of crazy, honestly. I'm not sure I'm interesting enough to be perfect.

Paying it Forward

I was on the bus this morning, and this kid got on without the correct bus fare (it was still rush hour prices, and he had the standard fare). He was going around the bus asking for change for $5, which no one seemed to have. I knew that I had enough for the fare in my wallet, so I called him over and gave it to him. He asked me if I wanted any money back, and I told him it wasn't necessary.

A little while later I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned and saw that he had left his $1.75 on the seat next to me as a way of paying me back. It made me tear up a little bit. I didn't want to take it, but I didn't want to hurt his pride either.

So, now I have a conundrum. I don't feel like I can use this money for myself, but I'm not sure what to do with it either. I could keep it in my bag in case someone else ever needs help on the bus, or I could drop it in a donation box somewhere...

If you were me, what would you do?