Pessimism

A few weeks ago there was a post about Dana Falsetti in a Facebook group for fats that I follow. Falsetti is a plus-sized yogi who also talks a lot about body positivity. The OP posted, saying that she found the video of Falsetti inspiring. So far so good, right?

Get it.

Moments after the post went up, this comment appeared:

"Oh look another white small fat representing everyBODY"

 And I just couldn't freaking believe it.

There is literally no way to live your life anymore without ruining someone else's day. Even if those things are out of your control (like, say, being white or weighing less than 300 pounds, or even finding someone who has the audacity to fit into those categories to be inspiring). And it broke my heart to see it, because a few more comments down in the thread, someone said that she had been excited to go to one of Falsetti's workshops, but now she wasn't so sure because if other people think she's problematic...

Well, screw that.

I am sick to death of people telling other people what they can and can't enjoy, especially when the thing or person in question is not hurting anyone else. What baffles me the most is that most of the time I see this it's in a space that advertises itself as "safe".

There is nothing "safe" about a space that only reinforces the idea that there will always be some part of you that is lacking, or that your experiences do not count because you don't fit certain criteria. In fact, I have found these spaces to be a lot more damaging in the long run, because the people who don't fit in end up feeling more ostracized, and the people who do become part of a sort of delusional hive-mind that masks new forms of oppression under a screen of false benevolence.

I wish people could just love things and each other without being afraid of the repercussions that shouldn't even exist.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that there is anyone good left in the world (and yes, this includes myself, dried up old hag that I am).

I think we're all going to "tolerate" each other to death.

My Bark is Worse than My Bite

As a general rule, I try to post mostly interesting and (hopefully) well-written things on this blog... which is why I don't seem to write too much. However, this might not be either of those things. This is just me trying to work out some feelings, and saying some things that I feel need to be said. I hope you like it anyway, if you choose to read it.

So, anyway... 

A few days ago some random guy on Tinder called me a "dog". Stupid, right? The reasonable part of me knows that I should not care what some idiot on a questionable dating app thinks of me.

But, unfortunately, I am not always a reasonable person. It was like getting sucker punched in the gut, and every negative feeling I have ever had about myself suddenly came rushing at me. Those thoughts have soaked into my head and my heart this week, and right now I am half-convinced that Mr. Tinder was right about me. What if I am a dog? And, if I am a dog, am I one of those Chinese Cresteds with a weird face?

To be fair, this is still pretty cute.

Seriously.

All I have been able to think about this week are these insecurities. "I am not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. I'm not as funny as I think I am. I am not as nice as I should be. I must be really annoying. What if I have no real friends?" Et cetera.

It has been exhausting to hate myself this much.

So tonight I decided to fix it. I took this picture:

I took this picture so that I could see all of the things I needed to change in order to become better, and of all the pictures I have taken in my life, this one is probably the most "me" of the bunch. I'm in my pajamas with no makeup. I didn't fix the lighting or any of the flaws in my skin. I only let myself take one picture instead of having ten to choose from. I haven't waxed my eyebrows in like... two months. There are so many things I could say that are "wrong" here... but I actually liked this picture.

I was surprised by how much. It's not perfect, but it's me. 

And I am okay with being me.

I can't say that I have had a full turn around and that from now on I will always be confident and fabulous, because that is simply not the case. However, this has been eye-opening for me. It has showed me that I can be happy with myself in spite of my flaws, and that, as my own biggest critic, I can be pretty darn shortsighted sometimes. 

All in all, I have learned two things from this experience:

1) I am not horrible, but guys on Tinder sure can be. And, 

2) When you think about it, dogs are pretty great. They are cute, fun to cuddle, super smart, and have great hair. Where's the bad?

I can't see it anymore.

Fat

A while back, I posted a video of myself reading Jason Stefaniak and Siobhan O'Loughlin's monologue, This is My Body, to my YouTube channel. Today, I got my first comment:

Yes, troll. I'm fat.

FAT. Big. Heavy. Plus sized. WOMAN sized. Curvy. "Fabulous and Thick." However you want to put it, that's what I am. I have a poofy tummy, sturdy legs, big arms, and stretch marks that I've spent years trying to own. These are the facts.

What I don't understand, however, is how any of that relates to my political views. I don't see how it affects any other part of me, actually. My fat is not who I am. The things that define me are infinite, and how much I weigh is the least of these. My fat does not dictate the clothes I wear. It doesn't make me NOT love moving my body and exploring the world around me. It doesn't influence my religious or political choices, my health, or my sense of humor. It just is.

My resolution for 2013 was to learn how to accept myself for everything I am, and to stop saying things like, "When I'm thin I'll...". Searching the internet, I found and fell in love with several body-positive blogs that I now check on a regular basis. I am in awe of the men and women I've seen and met, who look so gorgeous in every inch of their confident skin. One of my new heroines is the amazing Rachel Wiley, slam poet extraordinaire.



Everything I have ever felt, and wanted to say, she has said with such beautiful eloquence. Her example, and the examples of all the people like her, who ring with confidence in spite of anything that people might say is "abnormal" about them,  have started to bring about a change in me. For the first time in a long time, I feel brilliant.

Feeling this way, after so many years of self-hatred, is like unlocking a part of myself that I barely even recognize. Her confidence terrifies me, but her beauty is stunning. She looks in the mirror and loves what she sees. She speaks her mind. She dances, laughs, and gets up on stage to sing karaoke in front of a bar of people that she's never even met. Right now, she's at the back of my mind wondering why I've always been afraid to write these things down.

I wish I could tell her. It seems kind of silly now.

So, internet troll, I applaud you for your efforts. It must have taken years for you to come up with "Well... you're fat." as a response to political opinions you disagree with. Unfortunately, it seems like I'm finally past being hurt by people like you.

Yes, I am fat. But, more than that, I am beautiful.