Pessimism

A few weeks ago there was a post about Dana Falsetti in a Facebook group for fats that I follow. Falsetti is a plus-sized yogi who also talks a lot about body positivity. The OP posted, saying that she found the video of Falsetti inspiring. So far so good, right?

Get it.

Moments after the post went up, this comment appeared:

"Oh look another white small fat representing everyBODY"

 And I just couldn't freaking believe it.

There is literally no way to live your life anymore without ruining someone else's day. Even if those things are out of your control (like, say, being white or weighing less than 300 pounds, or even finding someone who has the audacity to fit into those categories to be inspiring). And it broke my heart to see it, because a few more comments down in the thread, someone said that she had been excited to go to one of Falsetti's workshops, but now she wasn't so sure because if other people think she's problematic...

Well, screw that.

I am sick to death of people telling other people what they can and can't enjoy, especially when the thing or person in question is not hurting anyone else. What baffles me the most is that most of the time I see this it's in a space that advertises itself as "safe".

There is nothing "safe" about a space that only reinforces the idea that there will always be some part of you that is lacking, or that your experiences do not count because you don't fit certain criteria. In fact, I have found these spaces to be a lot more damaging in the long run, because the people who don't fit in end up feeling more ostracized, and the people who do become part of a sort of delusional hive-mind that masks new forms of oppression under a screen of false benevolence.

I wish people could just love things and each other without being afraid of the repercussions that shouldn't even exist.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that there is anyone good left in the world (and yes, this includes myself, dried up old hag that I am).

I think we're all going to "tolerate" each other to death.

Fat

A while back, I posted a video of myself reading Jason Stefaniak and Siobhan O'Loughlin's monologue, This is My Body, to my YouTube channel. Today, I got my first comment:

Yes, troll. I'm fat.

FAT. Big. Heavy. Plus sized. WOMAN sized. Curvy. "Fabulous and Thick." However you want to put it, that's what I am. I have a poofy tummy, sturdy legs, big arms, and stretch marks that I've spent years trying to own. These are the facts.

What I don't understand, however, is how any of that relates to my political views. I don't see how it affects any other part of me, actually. My fat is not who I am. The things that define me are infinite, and how much I weigh is the least of these. My fat does not dictate the clothes I wear. It doesn't make me NOT love moving my body and exploring the world around me. It doesn't influence my religious or political choices, my health, or my sense of humor. It just is.

My resolution for 2013 was to learn how to accept myself for everything I am, and to stop saying things like, "When I'm thin I'll...". Searching the internet, I found and fell in love with several body-positive blogs that I now check on a regular basis. I am in awe of the men and women I've seen and met, who look so gorgeous in every inch of their confident skin. One of my new heroines is the amazing Rachel Wiley, slam poet extraordinaire.



Everything I have ever felt, and wanted to say, she has said with such beautiful eloquence. Her example, and the examples of all the people like her, who ring with confidence in spite of anything that people might say is "abnormal" about them,  have started to bring about a change in me. For the first time in a long time, I feel brilliant.

Feeling this way, after so many years of self-hatred, is like unlocking a part of myself that I barely even recognize. Her confidence terrifies me, but her beauty is stunning. She looks in the mirror and loves what she sees. She speaks her mind. She dances, laughs, and gets up on stage to sing karaoke in front of a bar of people that she's never even met. Right now, she's at the back of my mind wondering why I've always been afraid to write these things down.

I wish I could tell her. It seems kind of silly now.

So, internet troll, I applaud you for your efforts. It must have taken years for you to come up with "Well... you're fat." as a response to political opinions you disagree with. Unfortunately, it seems like I'm finally past being hurt by people like you.

Yes, I am fat. But, more than that, I am beautiful.