Keep thou my feet

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

~~~

Life gets really hard to deal with sometimes.

Lately I have felt like I have been walking through a very dark night of my soul. One where I feel like I have lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. One where I hate who I have become, and one where I long to be better but can never seem to overcome myself. I have just been feeling very lost and tired and sad.

This week, and today especially, have been very difficult. I reached out tonight for some positive words on Facebook, and my friends responded with so much love that I am completely overwhelmed by how lucky I am to know such lovely and wonderful people.

One friend sent me something he wrote that featured a scripture from Proverbs (3:5-6):

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Which immediately brought the hymn "Lead, Kindly Light" to my mind. Particularly the last lines of the first verse. 

"Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me."

I have forgotten how to be led by faith. I have been depending too much on the things that I can see, and I have not been putting enough trust in God's plan for me. I want to be better, and I want to let him lead me now. I'm so tired of trying to understand everything. I just want to be happy and have faith and trust that everything will be okay.

I'm feeling very humbled tonight. I'm starting to feel like this might be a trial that I need, even though I'm not sure where it's going to lead me.

I'm ready to walk into the dark.

Spiritual Success

It's Sunday and I don't have a lot to say, so I'll just leave you with this quote from Richard G Scott. I have been thinking about this a lot today, and I find it really helpful and hopeful. I hope you feel the same!

Good Reminders

I had the opportunity today to be the escort of a friend of mine who was going through the temple for the first time. I had never been an escort before, and I was so excited for her, and so anxious that I wasn't going to be enough of a help to her. It was a complicated mix of emotions!

It was incredible.

I still don't know if I was a perfect help to her (I hope I was! I did try.), but that was probably the most present I have felt at any endowment session since I went through for myself. I found myself thinking of everything with the perspective of someone who had never experienced it before, trying to remember how I felt when it really was new to me. Along with that I was able to measure those experiences against the level of understanding that I have now, and take measure of my spiritual journey (so to speak). It was really cool to see how much progress I have made, especially since I often feel as though I have made no progress at all.

Self-criticism is one of my best talents, I think. I have very high standards for myself, and when I fail to meet them with exactness it's hard to feel as though I am still doing well. Being in the temple today was a good reminder for me of a lot of the things I had started to take for granted, like my own worth and God's love for me.

I am so excited for my friend. I hope that she felt every measure of the love that was being poured out on her, not only by God but by me, her fiance (another friend of mine who also went though for the first time today!), and everyone who came to witness this moment in her eternal progression. I hope that she never forgets the feelings that she felt, or ever doubts her worth or her conviction for even a second.

Today was so wonderful. I am so grateful for this experience.

Caleb

I was waiting for the train on my way to work today, and I was approached by a very bouncy young lad who introduced himself as Caleb.

He asked for my name, and after I gave it he said, "Well, Kari, I'm on my way home and I saw you and I just had to come over and let you know that God loves you so much." He said that he could see that I had God's light, and that he knew that I was "so special" to the Lord.

And guys, it made my day.

I have been approached by religious people on the street before, but I have never met another person who was so sweet and sincere in simply trying to spread God's love. He didn't try to convert me, he didn't ask me if I had been saved. He simply wanted to tell me that God loved me, and wish me a good day. It was fantastic!

I told him that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me, and he was delighted. He asked if we could pray together, and since my train wasn't there yet I said yes. He took my hand and said a little prayer, hoping that we could continue to feel God's love and light as we went about our day. We said Amen, said goodbye, and he was gone. I went to work with the biggest smile on my face.

What a small thing, right? But it made me feel so loved. It was an encounter that I had no idea that I needed, but that made my whole day completely turn around.

Caleb. Adorable, bright, happy Caleb. I hope that you never lose whatever qualities you posses that make you the beacon that you are. I hope that you continue to brighten days wherever you go, and that you have a fantastic life full of all the happiness that you deserve. I hope that you never let go of the light that you share so freely with people you don't even know.

More than anything, though... I hope that someday I can be just like you.

Suffer the Children

I am not usually afraid to have an unpopular opinion (for example: pink Starbursts are the worst ones. Deal with it), but I am afraid to talk about this particular topic. I will try to be as respectful as possible: my goal here is not to upset people. I just feel the need to share my feelings.

On Thursday this week, the LDS church made an announcement that surprised and angered a lot of people. The short version of it is this: Individuals in same-gender relationships, marriages or cohabitations will now be considered apostate by the Church.

That was not the surprising part, considering that such relationships are against the core values of the Church.

The part that has people the most worked up, however, was the far more complicated second half of the announcement: Children of same-gendered parents are no longer eligible to receive a name and a blessing as an infant, or to be baptized, confirmed, ordained, or serve a full-time mission without First Presidency approval.

It sounds really, really bad on paper. I know it does.

When I heard the announcement, I will admit that my heart sank when I thought of the children involved. The little children who Christ so loves... why would they be punished for the actions of another?

It was hard for me to get my head around. It still is, to be honest, but I feel like I am closer to understanding now.

I had the opportunity today (or yesterday, now) to talk to and read a lot of varying and valid opinions from people who I love and respect dearly. I was given the opportunity to hurt with those who are hurting, and to talk through things with friends who were just as concerned as I was. This really helped me to work out my own feelings on the subject, which I would like to share with you now.

I feel like I have been blessed in my life with the ability to know the truth of things that are presented to me, and I know that the Church is true. I have been a witness to the miracles that this Gospel brings, both in my life and the lives of others. I have felt the love of God in this church, and I cannot deny that.

With this knowledge, I have been able to accept that I am not meant to understand everything. I do, however, have faith in the Brethren, and I believe that they only have our best interests at heart. They are all good men with a deep love of both God and all mankind. I cannot believe that they would ever make a decision just to be cruel, or to intentionally hurt anyone.

I do believe that they really do have the best interests of these children at heart. They are not forbidding them to be baptized, they just want to make sure that the child can first comprehend what that decision means for them and their families. To be baptized and ordained in the church means you need to have a willingness to comply with the standards set therein. They do not want to tear families apart, but they do need to make their position clear, and I can respect that.

In my initial state of doubt and sadness, watching this video from D. Todd Christofferson really helped me find some peace. He is firm, but loving, and he explains so gently what these changes really mean for us. I highly recommend watching it to gain more insight.

All in all, my personal policies remain unchanged. I will continue to love and support everyone around me to the best of my ability, while continuing to be the best Mormon I can be. Jesus Christ was a man of strong faith, but also a man of universal love. I will continue to strive to be such a person.

God loves all of his little children. Our task is to show that love through our actions, no matter what.

So, to all of the General Authorities, the Mormons, the non-Mormons, and to the LGBTQ community: I love you, I support you, and I am praying for you.

I truly believe that everything will turn out okay.

Why the "Mormon Mold" Needs to be Broken

I read an article today on LDS Living Magazine's website, called "When Your Child Doesn't Fit the Mormon Mold". In this article, the author discusses her teenage son's "unconventional" (by Mormon standards) appearance, and how people can be more accepting and understanding of such individuals. Sounds pretty good on the outside, right?

That's what I thought, too. One of my biggest pet peeves about Mormon culture (not the doctrine, mind you) is the fact that people can get really... concerned about how other people choose to dress/groom themselves. Among other things, but let's focus on appearance for now.

Her skirt is 1/4 of an inch above the knee! Alert the Bishop!

Now, don't get me wrong, there were things in the article that I did actually like. For example, what she said about harsh judgments being one of the things that keep people away from church is 100% true. Feeling like you don't fit in is the worst, especially when you are at the mercy of the self-righteous who don't dig your personal style. She also said some very nice things about being kind to people, which are spot on.

What I didn't like was the unsettling undertone of, "give it time, they will change eventually":

If you are a Church leader, continue to teach the reasons behind the modesty and grooming standards in a loving, nonjudgmental way. Allow our children time to process these principles and come to the decision to change on their own.

She says this as though, as soon as someone accepts the principles of the Gospel, they will immediately decide to get a "missionary haircut" and wear a tie to church. She mentions her son cutting his hair shorter as he becomes more comfortable at church, slowly beginning his metamorphosis into a standard, cookie-cutter Mormon.

Acceptance at church is such an important topic, and I really wish she would have come at it from a more open-minded angle. Love of the Gospel is why we go to church. It doesn't matter if you're a shaggy-haired teenager, a tatted-up convert, or a feminist in pants. We go to church to praise, not to judge others for stupid, superficial things. Diversity is what makes us great! The message shouldn't be "be nice, and they will change eventually", it should just be a simple, "be nice".

It's time to break out of the Mormon Mold -- let's embrace the differences that make us great.

The Fourth Day

Now that our spring concert is over and we are truly in the Easter season, our focus in the Chorale has once again turned to Rob Gardner's gorgeous oratorio, Lamb of God. Always the highlight of our spring season, the piece focuses on the last days of Christ's ministry on Earth.

Tickets will be available HERE starting on Monday, March 24 (it's free - just sayin')

This year I've been trying to let myself get lost in the doctrine as well as the music. In addition to making notes on dynamics and rhythms, I've been writing personal notes to myself in the score as we sing: "Who am I representing, here? What is my character feeling? What am I feeling?" Doing this has helped me connect to the piece emotionally, and today in rehearsal it struck me in a very personal way.

We were practicing I Am the Resurrection, and we had the opportunity to talk about Lazarus and "the fourth day". In Jewish cultural tradition, it was believed that the soul hovered near the body for three days after death, but after that time had passed there was no hope for the deceased to ever live again. When Christ came to Mary and Martha, Lazarus had already reached his fourth day. There were few who believed that he could rise again.

He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.

Lazarus rose. Those who had lost hope were absolved - their prayers had been answered. Their trial was waiting: they needed to have hope until the fourth day.

As we talked about this, our director asked us if we could think of any time where we were made to wait until the fourth day. I wrote it down in my score, and immediately knew what I would say if I could bring myself to say it out loud. My "fourth day" was the day I let myself become converted to Christ.

It had been two years since I had been to church. I was bitter and sad - there were so many things about the church that I didn't understand, and so many ways I felt I had been abandoned by God. I was tired of fighting, and I was sick. Very sick. My lungs, which have fought against me for my whole life, were full of fluid; my throat so raw that I couldn't move or swallow without sharp pain. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even cry. I thought that I was going to die, and I had never felt more alone in my whole life. Suddenly, I wanted a priesthood blessing more than anything else in the world. I called my long-suffering home teachers, and they agreed to come over as soon as possible (privately, I think they probably high-fived each other right after I called).

As I had my priesthood blessing, I was hit full-force by the power of God's love for me. I was immediately aware of the spirit in the room, and of the truth of all the things I knew. The gospel was true, I would get well, and my life would now be full of light. In spite of my struggles, I could, and would be whole again.

He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.

I may have not been as close to physical death as I believed myself to be (and certainly not as dead as Lazarus), but I was hovering on the edge of a spiritual death that I don't think I could have ever come back from. The tiny sliver of faith I showed when I asked for a blessing that night - the faint hope and belief that God would help me - saved my life that night. I had been in a tomb made of my stubbornness and hurt, and Christ brought me back into the light.

There is always hope for us. Christ is our champion of second chances. He died so that we could live again! He lived and loved so that we could learn how to live our lives in the best way that we can.

This Easter season, as we go through the season of Lent (or sing beautiful music) to remember the ministry of Jesus Christ, I hope we can all think about our fourth day. I hope that we will think about those dark times in our lives, and come to know that Christ will always be there to lead us into the light.

. . . but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. (Mark 13:13)

Lamb of God

This spring, the Minnesota Mormon Chorale & Orchestra will be performing Rob Gardner's Lamb of God. They did this piece last spring, but this is the first year I get to be a part of it, and guys...

I am so in love with this piece.




The more I practice and listen, the more I find myself in awe of the pure love that lives in the atonement of Christ. He lives!

And, even if you're not a believer in God or Jesus Christ, this music is a spiritual experience. There is so much power in this.

I want to encourage everyone who'll be in the Minneapolis area in March to come and hear this gorgeous music. We'll be performing in Lakeville on March 23, and in New Brighton on March 24. I'll probably be posting more details when we get closer to the concert date, for those of you who are interested in attending.

Sorry about the promotion, but I just can't contain myself. More new blogs are coming soon!

-- Kari