Keep thou my feet

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

~~~

Life gets really hard to deal with sometimes.

Lately I have felt like I have been walking through a very dark night of my soul. One where I feel like I have lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. One where I hate who I have become, and one where I long to be better but can never seem to overcome myself. I have just been feeling very lost and tired and sad.

This week, and today especially, have been very difficult. I reached out tonight for some positive words on Facebook, and my friends responded with so much love that I am completely overwhelmed by how lucky I am to know such lovely and wonderful people.

One friend sent me something he wrote that featured a scripture from Proverbs (3:5-6):

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Which immediately brought the hymn "Lead, Kindly Light" to my mind. Particularly the last lines of the first verse. 

"Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me."

I have forgotten how to be led by faith. I have been depending too much on the things that I can see, and I have not been putting enough trust in God's plan for me. I want to be better, and I want to let him lead me now. I'm so tired of trying to understand everything. I just want to be happy and have faith and trust that everything will be okay.

I'm feeling very humbled tonight. I'm starting to feel like this might be a trial that I need, even though I'm not sure where it's going to lead me.

I'm ready to walk into the dark.

What more can I do?

Do you ever get the feeling that somebody just hates you, and you're not sure what you did to inspire such bad feelings?

Melancholy, Constance Marie Charpentier (1801)

I was told something that somebody said about me today, and it was so hateful that it knocked the wind right out of me. I felt like all of the strength I had left me, and I had to sit down just to be able to continue to function.

What can I have done to make someone think so badly of me? What can I do to change? I often feel as though I am not a very good person, and this just feels like proof of that. I do not do enough to be helpful. I am not happy enough. I am constantly making mistakes. But I am trying so, so hard to overcome these things. I just want to make everyone happy.

How am I supposed to fix things? I don't know what to do.

Chester Bennington

Chester Bennington committed suicide today.

I am finding this hard to come to terms with.

When I was a teenager experiencing the full weight of my depression and anxiety for the first time I found a lot of solace in the music of Linkin Park. I was so lost in myself... so full of rage and fear and just all-encompassing sadness. I needed to scream. I needed outlets. I found this release in music. I found lyrics that mirrored what I was feeling, words I could use when I couldn't find any of my own. It was like having a friend who understood what I was feeling, even when I didn't know myself.

It might sound really stupid, but this sense of shared sadness saved my life. It was catharsis. It was a life preserver.

I am so incredibly sorry that he never found a way to face his own demons.  I am sorry that he lost his battles. I am sorry that he left this world without knowing how much of an impact he had.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Your life is so worth saving.

I can't think of anything to write

Today I mostly slept and felt sick and stressed about things I have no control over. Not the most stimulating day to blog about.

Chronic illness and depression both suck.

Maybe someday I'll write about that. But right now I'm going to enjoy snuggling my dog and listening to the cute little snooty noises he makes when he sleeps. I'm going to try to pull myself out of whatever this is.

Sorry for being a cop out today. Again.

I'll write a good story tomorrow, maybe.

Praying

Kesha released her first song in four years today, and guys... guys. It is the best song I have ever heard from her.

Knowing her story, knowing that she is a survivor of rape and exploitation, this song is so incredibly powerful. 

It made me think of all of my own experiences. Every time that I have been touched without my consent. Every time someone assumed that what I had was theirs to take. Every time I have been called a bitch by a man I ignored, or someone said I was "frigid" because I didn't accept their harassment. Because I have no trust left. Because, as a woman, I always have to be on the defensive. Because I have seen it happen to people I love, too.

And I agree with the sentiment (indirectly expressed) here: God's love is the only thing that pulled me out of that darkness. The only thing that helps me get from day to day sometimes.

I really appreciate her bravery in sharing this. I needed to hear it today, and I really hope that it helps a lot of people find their way out of a dark place.