Auuugh

I'm really tired and in pain and I just don't have it in me today. But I figured I should still post something. Because I want to be perfect and I have already missed so many days.

This is making me kind of crazy, honestly. I'm not sure I'm interesting enough to be perfect.

Paying it Forward

I was on the bus this morning, and this kid got on without the correct bus fare (it was still rush hour prices, and he had the standard fare). He was going around the bus asking for change for $5, which no one seemed to have. I knew that I had enough for the fare in my wallet, so I called him over and gave it to him. He asked me if I wanted any money back, and I told him it wasn't necessary.

A little while later I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned and saw that he had left his $1.75 on the seat next to me as a way of paying me back. It made me tear up a little bit. I didn't want to take it, but I didn't want to hurt his pride either.

So, now I have a conundrum. I don't feel like I can use this money for myself, but I'm not sure what to do with it either. I could keep it in my bag in case someone else ever needs help on the bus, or I could drop it in a donation box somewhere...

If you were me, what would you do?

Spiritual Success

It's Sunday and I don't have a lot to say, so I'll just leave you with this quote from Richard G Scott. I have been thinking about this a lot today, and I find it really helpful and hopeful. I hope you feel the same!

Good Reminders

I had the opportunity today to be the escort of a friend of mine who was going through the temple for the first time. I had never been an escort before, and I was so excited for her, and so anxious that I wasn't going to be enough of a help to her. It was a complicated mix of emotions!

It was incredible.

I still don't know if I was a perfect help to her (I hope I was! I did try.), but that was probably the most present I have felt at any endowment session since I went through for myself. I found myself thinking of everything with the perspective of someone who had never experienced it before, trying to remember how I felt when it really was new to me. Along with that I was able to measure those experiences against the level of understanding that I have now, and take measure of my spiritual journey (so to speak). It was really cool to see how much progress I have made, especially since I often feel as though I have made no progress at all.

Self-criticism is one of my best talents, I think. I have very high standards for myself, and when I fail to meet them with exactness it's hard to feel as though I am still doing well. Being in the temple today was a good reminder for me of a lot of the things I had started to take for granted, like my own worth and God's love for me.

I am so excited for my friend. I hope that she felt every measure of the love that was being poured out on her, not only by God but by me, her fiance (another friend of mine who also went though for the first time today!), and everyone who came to witness this moment in her eternal progression. I hope that she never forgets the feelings that she felt, or ever doubts her worth or her conviction for even a second.

Today was so wonderful. I am so grateful for this experience.

Not so perfect

I have been majorly slacking this week, and I am so sorry about that. Life has been kind of nuts for the past few days.

I shall improve.

Kidnapped

This is a story of how musical theater turned me to a life of crime.

Picture this: the year is 1995. It is summer, and I am at Many Point Family Camp for the very first (and last) time. My mom and sisters are with me. Dad and Eldon are at the scout camp on the other side of the lake.

It's very Minnesota.

There were bats in the walls of our cabin, leeches in the lake, and unreliable toilets, but it was still fun in the sort of dirty, disorganized way that camp usually is. The best part of all was that we had brought our cassette tape soundtrack of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which was my obsession at the time. We listened to it on the car ride up. I convinced everyone that we needed to listen to it every night when we went to bed. I was positive that it was the best musical of all time.

At some point during the week, I met a girl near my age (a little younger) that I really clicked with. I don't remember her name, but considering that it was the early 90s I'm about 80% positive that it was either Emily or Ashley. We'll call her Ashily.

One day, while everyone else was in the lake trying to catch a greased watermelon, Ashily and I decided that we were too cool for school, and that we needed something better to do. We thought about it, and suddenly I knew: I needed to introduce her to the magic of Joseph.

So, without telling anyone (because we were very smart), we skipped down the road to my family's cabin, where we listened to the entirety of side one of my well-loved cassette.At this point we started getting hungry, so we decided to head back to the main part of camp to see what dinner was going to be.

When we got back to the lake, the scene was very different than when we had left. The lake was clear of people, and our mothers and several camp counselors were standing in a tight circle near the water. Ashily and I, not understanding what was going on, walked up to ask about food.

That's when the lecturing started.

Our parents, of course, were very relieved that we had not drowned or been eaten by a pike or whatever else might lurk in the lakes of Northern Minnesota, but they were not happy either. When my mom asked me what on earth I had been thinking, I said, "Well, we wanted to listen to Joseph..."

That is how I became a kidnapper at the tender age of five. I didn't see Ashily much after that. I think her mother must have thought I was some sort of tiny sociopath or something. It's a little sad, thinking about how our summer camp friendship was so short-lived. We never even got to promise that we would write and then immediately forget when we got home.

But we'll always have Joseph.

"I wasn't looking for anything to shout out at me, I was just looking up"

I don't know why this hit me today, but it just did. Usually I watch Markiplier for laughs (or to scare myself with horror games that I am too chicken to play), but this was exactly what I needed today.

I have been feeling very insignificant today, wondering about where my life is going to go and feeling really sad about everything I haven't accomplished in my life that I thought I would have by this point. Kind of a bummer, I know.

But hearing this made me think of all the times I have looked up at the stars and realized that the measure of my creation is infinite, and that I am a part of something so much bigger than myself. We are so significant in our insignificance, and that is hugely comforting to me.

I just need to look up.