I can't think of anything to write

Today I mostly slept and felt sick and stressed about things I have no control over. Not the most stimulating day to blog about.

Chronic illness and depression both suck.

Maybe someday I'll write about that. But right now I'm going to enjoy snuggling my dog and listening to the cute little snooty noises he makes when he sleeps. I'm going to try to pull myself out of whatever this is.

Sorry for being a cop out today. Again.

I'll write a good story tomorrow, maybe.

Jane Austen

I have been reading a lot of Jane Austen lately. I realized that I hadn't read anything of hers since I was probably too young to appreciate it fully, so I'm making her work my summer project. And I've gotta say, my favorite thing about this experience so far has been realizing what an adorable, awkward goofus Mr. Darcy is.

Like, not even including his very abrupt style of proposing (the first time, anyway). He is just constantly blushing and standing around watching Elizabeth like a weirdo. What a precious little cinnamon roll he is.

Anyway, I definitely have a brand new appreciation for just how well Jane Austen wrote her characters. They are subtle and clever and often very funny! I feel like she is very ignored in high schools, and I think that's a shame. I think that there's a lot that can be learned from her books, especially about what it was like to be a woman when she was alive.

I'm so sad that I didn't appreciate her sooner.

Caleb

I was waiting for the train on my way to work today, and I was approached by a very bouncy young lad who introduced himself as Caleb.

He asked for my name, and after I gave it he said, "Well, Kari, I'm on my way home and I saw you and I just had to come over and let you know that God loves you so much." He said that he could see that I had God's light, and that he knew that I was "so special" to the Lord.

And guys, it made my day.

I have been approached by religious people on the street before, but I have never met another person who was so sweet and sincere in simply trying to spread God's love. He didn't try to convert me, he didn't ask me if I had been saved. He simply wanted to tell me that God loved me, and wish me a good day. It was fantastic!

I told him that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me, and he was delighted. He asked if we could pray together, and since my train wasn't there yet I said yes. He took my hand and said a little prayer, hoping that we could continue to feel God's love and light as we went about our day. We said Amen, said goodbye, and he was gone. I went to work with the biggest smile on my face.

What a small thing, right? But it made me feel so loved. It was an encounter that I had no idea that I needed, but that made my whole day completely turn around.

Caleb. Adorable, bright, happy Caleb. I hope that you never lose whatever qualities you posses that make you the beacon that you are. I hope that you continue to brighten days wherever you go, and that you have a fantastic life full of all the happiness that you deserve. I hope that you never let go of the light that you share so freely with people you don't even know.

More than anything, though... I hope that someday I can be just like you.

Praying

Kesha released her first song in four years today, and guys... guys. It is the best song I have ever heard from her.

Knowing her story, knowing that she is a survivor of rape and exploitation, this song is so incredibly powerful. 

It made me think of all of my own experiences. Every time that I have been touched without my consent. Every time someone assumed that what I had was theirs to take. Every time I have been called a bitch by a man I ignored, or someone said I was "frigid" because I didn't accept their harassment. Because I have no trust left. Because, as a woman, I always have to be on the defensive. Because I have seen it happen to people I love, too.

And I agree with the sentiment (indirectly expressed) here: God's love is the only thing that pulled me out of that darkness. The only thing that helps me get from day to day sometimes.

I really appreciate her bravery in sharing this. I needed to hear it today, and I really hope that it helps a lot of people find their way out of a dark place.

Today was a Nightmare

And this is not going to be a very long or edifying post. Sorry, guys.

Today was one of those days where the Drama Llama has come home to roost (or whatever llamas do), and you have so much information coming at you from all sides that you don't know who to believe or what your own heart is telling you.

I am tired. More than that, I am weary. I am not sure what to do.

So I'm going to watch stupid YouTube videos until I pass out. Tomorrow can only get better. I hope.

Land that I Love

Kind of late again today, but I was out enjoying my FREEDOM. Or something like that. Whatever. Let's move on.

I really love Independence Day. I always have. Growing up in my family kind of does that to a person. My paternal grandparents, especially, were patriots to the core. No matter what else we did on the fourth (usually golfing and a barbecue), my grandpa would always make sure to testify of his love for our God and our country, and to tell us how blessed we were to live in a place where we can be free.

I treasure those memories now that he is gone, and I know that what he said was right. This country is an amazing place.

I've read a lot of posts on social media today that read a little more ambivalent. How can we possibly feel pride in our country when we have the Tangerine Wonder as president and everything seems so bad?

Well, my buddies, we can still feel pride in our country because we are still fighting to make it a good place.

I don't believe that anything in this world will ever be perfect. No place or country in it will ever be without problems or heartache.  However, I still see people in America doing good every day. People who are standing up for what's right and loving one another in spite of everything. There are still people here who believe in a better tomorrow, and are actively working to make it happen. When all the world wants you to see is darkness, if you look away from the noise you can still see light.

That is why I love it here. We are free to grow and learn and create art and spread joy. We are free to believe what we want to believe, and to say what we want to say. There are people who would have you believe that you have no voice, and that you can't change your life. I am here to tell you that those people are full of beans. Do not be afraid to be who you are. Do not be afraid to love, even when hate is staring you right in the face. We need to fight for our freedoms while they are still ours to fight for, and to help others find their voices. We still have the power to do this! isn't that amazing!?

Happy Independence Day, everybody.

We are so incredibly blessed.

Good Timber

For a while I've been participating in #MotivationMonday on Instagram. I'm not super faithful with it, but I try to post little things every Monday that have to do with health or mindfulness. I do it more for myself than for anyone else, and it helps me remember to be strong when I'm feeling weary.

Today I posted a quote from the poem "Good Timber" by Douglas Malloch. Instagram got a quick doodle that I scribbled into my journal a while ago, but you guys get my hastily done Photoshop version instead (because you're special).

Photo by Stefan Steinbauer on Unsplash

This poem is one of my favorites, and I've written the entirety of it in at least a couple of my past journals. This is partly because I am fascinated by the tenacity of trees.

I'm sure you've all seen pictures of trees that have grown strong in spite of the conditions they have faced. Trees that bend into strong winds. Trees growing through chain link fences and through sidewalks. Trees sprouting new branches from the wound of a lost limb. There are a heck of a lot of things that a tree can overcome!

I try to think about these things in relation to myself. When people see my scars - emotional or otherwise - I want them to see how they have helped me become who I am, rather than as a reminder of how broken I used to be. More than that, I want to be able to look at myself and remember that any suffering I am experiencing will not last forever. I will grow around it, I will lean into it, and I will continue to survive.

We are all capable of so much more than we realize.

~~~~~~

Good Timber
Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.