Today was a Nightmare

And this is not going to be a very long or edifying post. Sorry, guys.

Today was one of those days where the Drama Llama has come home to roost (or whatever llamas do), and you have so much information coming at you from all sides that you don't know who to believe or what your own heart is telling you.

I am tired. More than that, I am weary. I am not sure what to do.

So I'm going to watch stupid YouTube videos until I pass out. Tomorrow can only get better. I hope.

Land that I Love

Kind of late again today, but I was out enjoying my FREEDOM. Or something like that. Whatever. Let's move on.

I really love Independence Day. I always have. Growing up in my family kind of does that to a person. My paternal grandparents, especially, were patriots to the core. No matter what else we did on the fourth (usually golfing and a barbecue), my grandpa would always make sure to testify of his love for our God and our country, and to tell us how blessed we were to live in a place where we can be free.

I treasure those memories now that he is gone, and I know that what he said was right. This country is an amazing place.

I've read a lot of posts on social media today that read a little more ambivalent. How can we possibly feel pride in our country when we have the Tangerine Wonder as president and everything seems so bad?

Well, my buddies, we can still feel pride in our country because we are still fighting to make it a good place.

I don't believe that anything in this world will ever be perfect. No place or country in it will ever be without problems or heartache.  However, I still see people in America doing good every day. People who are standing up for what's right and loving one another in spite of everything. There are still people here who believe in a better tomorrow, and are actively working to make it happen. When all the world wants you to see is darkness, if you look away from the noise you can still see light.

That is why I love it here. We are free to grow and learn and create art and spread joy. We are free to believe what we want to believe, and to say what we want to say. There are people who would have you believe that you have no voice, and that you can't change your life. I am here to tell you that those people are full of beans. Do not be afraid to be who you are. Do not be afraid to love, even when hate is staring you right in the face. We need to fight for our freedoms while they are still ours to fight for, and to help others find their voices. We still have the power to do this! isn't that amazing!?

Happy Independence Day, everybody.

We are so incredibly blessed.

Good Timber

For a while I've been participating in #MotivationMonday on Instagram. I'm not super faithful with it, but I try to post little things every Monday that have to do with health or mindfulness. I do it more for myself than for anyone else, and it helps me remember to be strong when I'm feeling weary.

Today I posted a quote from the poem "Good Timber" by Douglas Malloch. Instagram got a quick doodle that I scribbled into my journal a while ago, but you guys get my hastily done Photoshop version instead (because you're special).

Photo by Stefan Steinbauer on Unsplash

This poem is one of my favorites, and I've written the entirety of it in at least a couple of my past journals. This is partly because I am fascinated by the tenacity of trees.

I'm sure you've all seen pictures of trees that have grown strong in spite of the conditions they have faced. Trees that bend into strong winds. Trees growing through chain link fences and through sidewalks. Trees sprouting new branches from the wound of a lost limb. There are a heck of a lot of things that a tree can overcome!

I try to think about these things in relation to myself. When people see my scars - emotional or otherwise - I want them to see how they have helped me become who I am, rather than as a reminder of how broken I used to be. More than that, I want to be able to look at myself and remember that any suffering I am experiencing will not last forever. I will grow around it, I will lean into it, and I will continue to survive.

We are all capable of so much more than we realize.

~~~~~~

Good Timber
Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

I'm my own Grandma...

Do you ever feel like you're prematurely old? I feel like it's happening to me a lot more lately. I have a few theories as to why:

Just call me Gladys

First, most of my coworkers are significantly younger than me. This isn't usually an issue until we start making pop culture references, and they don't understand anything I say. I had to explain who Coolio was the other day, and I felt like I should check into a nursing home immediately.

Second, it is just so easy (and fun) to be crotchety. When I am stuck behind a group of teenagers at Starbucks who only want "water... with ice" but somehow still take 50 years to order, I am more inclined to be annoyed by their youthful exuberance than anything else. When did teenagers become so annoying? Is it just me? Was I like that as a youth? I am so sorry to everyone who had to know me if I was.

And third, I am in the older group at church now, and I definitely feel it. Dating becomes a lot more difficult when everyone is at least five years younger than you. And I know that age is just a number (etc, etc, etc), but I feel more like a den mother than anything else. I think 27 is when your use of dating apps becomes less ironic and more like a cry for help.

Maybe I just need to get out more? Maybe I need to move away from here and try something new. Who knows? I certainly don't.

A Perfect Month

A couple of years ago, my friend Cam started doing what she called "A Perfect Month". She would set a goal for herself, and make sure that she accomplished that goal every single day for an entire month. It was always super impressive, and I always said that someday I would have to try it out for myself.

Well, that day has finally come.

Inspired by my lovely friend and a recent suggestion that I need to write more, I am going to do a perfect month of blogging. I can't guarantee that I will always have something interesting to say, but I kind of want to see what I can accomplish when I stop convincing myself that nothing I have to say has any value.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do we become so sure of our own invented shortcomings?

Anyway, here's to a perfect month.

Pessimism

A few weeks ago there was a post about Dana Falsetti in a Facebook group for fats that I follow. Falsetti is a plus-sized yogi who also talks a lot about body positivity. The OP posted, saying that she found the video of Falsetti inspiring. So far so good, right?

Get it.

Moments after the post went up, this comment appeared:

"Oh look another white small fat representing everyBODY"

 And I just couldn't freaking believe it.

There is literally no way to live your life anymore without ruining someone else's day. Even if those things are out of your control (like, say, being white or weighing less than 300 pounds, or even finding someone who has the audacity to fit into those categories to be inspiring). And it broke my heart to see it, because a few more comments down in the thread, someone said that she had been excited to go to one of Falsetti's workshops, but now she wasn't so sure because if other people think she's problematic...

Well, screw that.

I am sick to death of people telling other people what they can and can't enjoy, especially when the thing or person in question is not hurting anyone else. What baffles me the most is that most of the time I see this it's in a space that advertises itself as "safe".

There is nothing "safe" about a space that only reinforces the idea that there will always be some part of you that is lacking, or that your experiences do not count because you don't fit certain criteria. In fact, I have found these spaces to be a lot more damaging in the long run, because the people who don't fit in end up feeling more ostracized, and the people who do become part of a sort of delusional hive-mind that masks new forms of oppression under a screen of false benevolence.

I wish people could just love things and each other without being afraid of the repercussions that shouldn't even exist.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that there is anyone good left in the world (and yes, this includes myself, dried up old hag that I am).

I think we're all going to "tolerate" each other to death.

What? WHAT!??: A Soapbox Moment

I try to not talk politics a whole lot on social media, because, frankly, most of the time I do not have the energy to argue with anyone who I find tedious. Today, however, I have been pushed to the breaking point by an article I saw on Facebook this morning: "Why I am a Woman Who Doesn't Support the Women's March".

Take a few deep breaths before you click on that link. Trust me.

Here is a soothing picture of baby otters, if you need it.

Okay, let's continue.

The author first assures us that she is not a "millennial feminist", in spite of what her age and gender may suggest. Yeah, you write for a website called Trump Truck. I don't think you have to worry about ever being called a feminist.

Let's go through her article point by point, shall we?

Being a woman is not a disadvantage

There is nothing that I cannot do that I want to. I can vote, work, express myself, bear arms, practice religion, and speak freely while living the American dream. What else do I need?

You can work, sure, but you'll make 20% less than what your male colleagues make. You can practice your religion, but only if you're Christian (I saw the other article on your site that praises God that Trump is finally going to do something about "the Muslims". Fight me.). And you can express yourself and speak freely... unless you're at the women's march, I guess.

Do you see the disadvantages, yet?

I am for equality, but not supremacy

Feminists are chanting to “Kill all male babies” and calling for women to just run up and kill men in the streets. How could this possibly be equal?

 It's not, but this is not what feminism is. You are citing one video made by one woman who has some... alternative ideas about how feminism works. I know that this might be difficult, but try to give us a little credit. No one wants to kill anyone, as far as I know.

We are built different, for different purposes

Men are naturally bigger and stronger, while women are smaller in stature and have the right tools to create a child. Women tend to be more nurturing with minds that can multitask, and men tend to do the more laboring work. We are not built to do the same things.

You're

Right

Women

Are

So

Weak

Biblically, the man is the head of the household

Yes, thats right. According to the bible, men are called to be the head of the household. This does not mean that there cannot be women leaders, but men are called to be the head.

The Bible says a lot of things about women (and other things) that are not necessarily true. Paul, in particular, says a lot of, uh, interesting things about women. But I digress. Most modern revelation seems to say that men and women should be equal partners in marriage, and that they should consult and support one another. Though, I'm actually not sure what point you are trying to make here.

Sometimes it’s just business, nothing personal

Sports channels do not have a vast majority of women viewers, just like Lifetime does not attract men. Therefore, ESPN is going to continue to show predominantly male sports, and Lifetime will continue to show us women the juicy thrillers that get us through our 4th bowl of Rocky Road ice cream. It’s nothing personal, just business.

What are you even talking about? Do you honestly think this is an issue?

Modest is hottest

How do they expect to get an ounce of respect when they’re out there with their ta-tas hanging out, and bright pink hoo-has on their heads? Its trashy, and embarrassing. No wonder no one takes them seriously??

Okay, you are twenty-three. Say it with me: "Breasts". "Vagina". And they expect respect because they deserve respect, no matter what they choose to wear or not wear. The same goes for you. You should be proud of these women in their glorious pink hats, because they were out there fighting for your rights as well as theirs.

They are protesting Trump, but he has not taken any of their rights

How does this make any sense? Donald Trump has not even been president a week and they are protesting him because……why? He’s not a woman? He hasn’t taken away any of their rights.

They were protesting to make sure he understood that there would be people standing up against his blatant sexism and dangerous policies towards women. And they were right to do so, considering that he repealed the ACA the very next day with no replacement plan in place. This hurts you, too, sweetheart.

They could fund their trip to DC for the march, but not their own birth control?

The women are demanding for birth control to be completely covered…..yet there are people with terminal illnesses that cannot even get the medicine they need because they cannot afford it. BUY YOUR OWN DANG BIRTH CONTROL!! It’s not the government’s responsibility to fund your sex life.

A lot of the people who went to DC were sponsored by other people who cared, people who probably *can* afford their own birth control, but understand the importance of making it available to people who cannot. Many people who could not afford to go to DC marched in their hometowns, because they are beautiful and strong and not afraid to fight for what's right.

Abortion is not fair

These women preach that it is their body so they can do it if they want. Correction, it is not their body or they would be the one to die during the abortion….And what about the female babies being aborted? What about their female rights? Or do those not matter?

See, now you are doing that double talk thing that I hate so much. "Oh ho!" you think, "Let's turn their on ideologies back on them! My question about female babies will surely make them think differently."

First of all, you are not fooling anyone. As soon as that female baby is born you will not care about her rights, either. Nor will you adopt her. She will end up in this country's extremely broken foster system, and then most likely she will end up on the street. It happens every day.

Secondly, no one gets pregnant just so they can have an abortion. I have always been so mystified by that concept. There is literally no one who goes out and has unprotected sex thinking, "It's okay! I can always get an abortion!" Abortion is a big, scary deal. We all know that. We all know that it has emotional and physical consequences. We get it. But sometimes it is the better option for some people, and we need to respect that.

Besides, banning abortions will not stop abortions. You know what will? Affordable birth control.

These women’s marches are hypocritical

I have seen numerous stories and videos of women who are pro-life or Trump supporters who were spit on and told, “I hope you get raped and need an abortion,” simply because they had a different opinion. Yeah, women equality, right? What a joke.

Sources? And I mean real, legitimate news sources. Nothing from The Blaze. Noting with "miserable hag" in the title. Seriously, cite your sources because I could not find any. I do not personally know any woman, feminist or otherwise, who would ever say "I hope you get raped." That is vile. I know that people say a lot of really stupid things when they are upset, but I don't think anyone who would ever say that could be considered a feminist. Or even a decent person.

Sigh...

We made it! Here's a cleansing baby sloth in a teacup.

It ends there.

I don't know this woman. I don't know what happened in her life to make her feel the way she feels. I don't know what experiences she has had or not had to shape her views. But it makes me tired.

I am so proud of all of my beautiful friends and relatives who marched. I am so keenly aware of your struggles and your purpose. I will fight for all of you until the day I die, because I believe in you, and in the work that you do.

You have so much worth. Do not let anybody tell you otherwise.

~~~~~

If you want to see a wonderful article about the March from a conservative's perspective, I recommend Why I Marched: A Letter From A Pro-Life, Republican, Anti-Government-Making-Women’s-Decisions, Stay-At-Home Mom. We're all in this together.