This is something that has been dancing around in my brain for quite a while, and the time seems ripe to get it all out. It’s been a long time since I have written anything for anyone else to read, so if this is a little bit rusty, I apologize.
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| Gonna spill that tea |
Yesterday I was on Twitter, and I came across a beautiful article that was written by Matthew Gong, the son of LDS apostle Gerrit W. Gong. Matthew Gong is an openly gay man, and his words reflected the complexity of being caught between two identities. This is something that I know a lot about.
Six years ago (almost exactly) I was sitting on a couch with my best friend, and I looked at her and I knew that I loved her. Loved her – full on, butterflies in the stomach, heart pounding out of my chest love. Suddenly a whole bunch of things in my life fell into place – feelings that I had never given attention to, things that I had tried to hide for years, all came bubbling to the surface all at once. It was like I was truly seeing myself for the first time. I was overwhelmed, and I turned to her and said, “Hey… I think I’m bi.”
“Oh honey, I know.”
From that minute it was like there were two of me: Mormon Kari, and proud LGBTQ+ community member Kari. Never out of the closet, but never really in it either. I was in constant flux between two worlds that felt like they couldn’t coexist. No matter what I did if felt like no one would want both parts of me. I was constantly carving off parts of myself to fit into boxes where I didn’t belong, always leaving something behind and never feeling like a whole person. I felt lost and broken, and I felt like God was drifting farther and farther away from me. I felt like no one could love this incomplete person, even Him.
I know that I did not love myself.
Last winter I fell into a deep depression. Something inside of me snapped, and it threw my entire world from its axis. I had to take an entire month off work while they adjusted my medication and gently coaxed me back into the land of the living. My brain felt like broken glass. I barely remember anything from Thanksgiving to Christmas of 2018. I was just existing.
When I started to come back into myself, I knew that I needed to start living my life authentically or it would literally kill me. I started to spend more time reflecting. I reached out to other members of the LDS Queer community and leaned on them and learned from them (you know who you are, and I will love you forever for this). This summer I came out to my parents. It was terrifying and hard, but I knew in my heart that it was something I needed to do. I quietly stopped hiding things about myself on the internet. And now I’m coming out (officially) to all of you.
People have told me that this is going to make my life harder, and that people will see me differently. I feel like I knew that from the beginning, but I’m not scared of it anymore. I want people to look at me differently, because in all probability I am a little different from whatever version of me they were seeing. I want people to know me for everything I am, because I like myself better this way, and I really hope they do too.
Right now, I am still focusing on restoring things that I lost. I am re-learning how to talk to God. I have poured my heart out to him and felt confirmation of his love for me – ALL of me. I have realized that there are not two sides to me, but a very complex whole that is worthy of love and of loving. I am taking baby steps and trying to learn to be gentle with myself. I am trying to unlearn toxic coping mechanisms that held me prisoner within my own self-hatred for years. Not every day is a good day, but it’s always getting better.
I am a child of a God who loves me. I am bisexual. These are two things that I know and that I can’t deny. I am growing in the complex soil in which I have been planted, and I am finally thriving. I hope that when you read this you feel like you know me, and I hope you know that I love all of you. Thank you all for your love and your support. Thank you for lifting me up, even when you did not truly know the weight that was crushing me. I have been blessed so greatly, and I honestly cannot express enough gratitude.
To anyone who feels like they are hiding – I see you. I love you. There are other people out there who will love you, too. There are people with whom you will feel safe. It’s never going to be an easy road to travel, but there are people who will hold your hand when you feel like you can’t take another step. Be kind to yourself. God loves you. He made you. He knows your entire heart. Do not be afraid.
Thank you for reading.
